Our journey to growing our family has definitely looked a lot different, than I dreamed it would, when I was young. When Guy and I would dream of our someday family (in our early 20’s), it happened without any heartache or loss. Guy and I met in high school and fell in love. We dated for over 5 years and then married shortly after each of us turned 22. It took us some time to get on the same page for the right time to start our family… but, it was during that season, I truly learned that wisdom and discernment were Guy’s spiritual gifts. He felt strongly that we were to wait, and I learned an early lesson in submission and surrender. I had no idea, at the time, how much I would need those building blocks later on.
Fast forward to our 30’s and we begin trying to have a biological child. Our plan at the time was to have one and then adopt one and then see… We felt freedom in the rightness of starting our family and were excited for what God had in store.
Fast forward three years and we still aren’t pregnant, and we are beginning to ask serious and hard questions. A year later we would begin the infertility road with a lot of hesitation. I won’t go into too much detail here, but, I will say that we had some serious conversations about what we felt called to do and not do. The calling to adopt was already growing stronger and stronger, in our hearts. I did a year of IUI’s, which means we did insemination and hormone therapy. I had a miserable experience with treatments. I didn’t tolerate the meds well at all, and the heartache of month after month with no progression, devastated me. I can only say that each month when I took the test and it came back negative, it felt like a part of me was dying over and over.
At the time, I was working as a marriage and trauma counselor, and I was also working in my husband’s company … to say that I was stretched thin would have been an understatement.
Our last visit to the fertility doctor is still etched in my mind and changed the entire course of our life. We had arrived early (around 7am) after driving three hours. Guy had to “give his sample” by 7 am. It was our 10th try… my appointment for insemination was at 10am. We ate breakfast and came back and were checked in. I was asked to get into the standard gown and to get into positon (think of your yearly visit to the GYNO). I did as I had done several times before. The doctor walked in the room where I had been prepped for insemination, in his hand were our charts and Guy’s sample. (IF you aren’t familiar, insemination position is similar to your yearly pap in that you’re in the same position … they simply inject his sperm into me to aid its progression to the egg… I have a tilted cervix, so this was never a comfortable experience. Insemination always caused cramping for a day or two for me.)
So… here I am in “position” waiting for our doctor to come in. He walks in and opens with, “I don’t have great news… your numbers are bad and I don’t think you’re going to be able to conceive this way. I really think your only bet is IVF.” Still in position, me with my hoo-ha (as my family calls it) open to the world, I ask “are we doing the IUI today?” He responds with, “sure, we might as well, since your husband gave the sample and all, but chances of it working are really small.” HE begins the procedure and I could literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I felt so alone in that moment. So scared and so hopeless. All I could think was, “you’re not going to cry here, you’re not going to cry here… Jenny, you are not going to cry with this dude up in your hoo-ha…)… it was literally all I could focus on, as he casually talked about our chances to become pregnant. I remember feeling like my legs were in the air for days… it truly felt like the longest 15 minutes of my life.
I remember walking out of the office, Guys arm around me, shaking… neither of us said much as we pulled out of the parking lot and begin our three-hour journey home. We decided to stop at a Cracker Barrel to eat and this was the moment when our life took a very different direction.
We sat and talked over breakfast food and country fried steak. We grieved for what we both knew would never be ours. Guy processed his heart and his desire to have a baby with me.. I cried as he talked, and he cried as I shared with him how I wanted his son… we both knew we were being called to a different path, but in order to walk the new path we had to mourn the path we were on.
I spent the next several months grieving and healing. With each passing week we felt more and more that our baby was out there and was going to come to us in a different way.
Many have asked me why we didn’t do IVF… this is a super personal question… I will say that I have two beautiful nephews, thanks to this miracle procedure, and I am forever grateful for them.
However, for us, for a variety of reasons, we felt very strongly that this wasn’t the path we were being called to walk. We also discovered that I had and was having a severe reaction to progesterone and that my adrenal system had shut down, due to the treatments I’d already gone thru.
It’s a very very personal decision and each couple has to walk it with God and each other. For us we knew that our time in the world of fertility treatments had come to an end. Without a single doubt we went about opening our hearts to His healing. I experienced anger, jealousy, depression, loss, anxiety and denial…. But, our God is faithful. Most days all I could muster were the words, “Jesus help me in my unbelief…” it was just a willingness to be open to Him and He did the rest.
I can sit here today and recall these memories with an awareness that a wound has healed and scarred over. I remember the pain, but it no longer hurts the same way. Our hearts have become consumed with the child that God is calling us to wait for. Two years ago, we began our adoption journey, picked agencies, did a ton of paperwork, had home studies and so on. We are currently knee deep in the waiting process to be matched. I remember our pastor telling us that when the call for adoption takes root, it eventually takes over. That’s been our experience, the call to adopt has truly become our heartbeats.
So, that’s our journey so far. I wanted to give you some background so that you have the context for when we update you along the way. I’ve met and connected with so many other mamas who also have battle wounds from their path to motherhood… I’m so thankful that we have each other to process, comfort, and to support one another.
Have a beautiful day my friends and thanks for stopping by,